Rocks through a stream

I haven't blogged on here in a while as some friends keep reminding me. Part of this is because my laptop has been in a coma. The other part is because I am in the dead of winter. Not only because it is still winter where I live but because of the season of life that I am in. It's a season of darkness, dormantness (my word) and some growth. There is always growth of course. 

Tonight as I was attempting to fall asleep, God gave me a great picture and revelation.

The picture he gave me was me walking across a stream. But it was the kind where there were rocks that you could walk across so you wouldn't have to walk through the water. The stream wasn't very deep. But it was more fun to step across on the rocks than to just walk through it. 

As I was stepping along, some of the rocks slipped away or gave way as I stepped on them. This resulted in me getting wet. It wasn't the worst thing since I didn't injure myself or even worse, die. I just got a little wet which was uncomfortable and a little frustrating. However it did make me weary to take another step. But in order to get across the stream, I had to keep moving forward and stepping on the rocks. In the picture I stood there for a long time contemplating if I should continue to trust that the rest of the rocks wouldn't give way. 

When I asked Jesus to reveal to me what this all meant, it was beautiful and really spoke to me...

The rocks represented relationships. They were the supports that were put in my life to help me along my journey. However some relationships slip away due to the current or simply give way under the weight. Either was it resulted in me getting wet which led to me hesitating to take another step. 

But every time I hesitated, I felt prompted to try again and keep moving. Those rocks (relationships) were put there for a reason. While I didn't know before I took a step if they were going to be stable or not, the worst thing that would happen was I would get a little wet. That's when I realized that getting a little wet wasn't as bad as being injured or losing my life. Or even worse... losing out on a relationship that God had ordained for me. For such a time as this... 

As I laid in bed thinking about all of this, I realized God was speaking to me to take the next steps. I have been paralyzed for awhile now to continue one. But he was prompting me to take that next step forward whatever that looks like. And to trust him to lead me through... and if I do get a little wet... he'll be there to help me dry off...

Value

We have been immersed this week into the world of ballet and Nutcracker. It's Emma's first year doing both and my first year as a "ballet mom". I never really wanted to be a ballet mom. I always thought ballet people were snobby and catty. Part of this belief is from my own experience as a child with ballet. But this year I finally gave in and let Emma do ballet. We also allowed her to participate in the Nutcracker. Not only that but I signed up to volunteer. I really didn't want to do it since I "know how those ballet people are" but I also know how much things like this desperately need volunteers.

This is day 4 of my volunteering. I have helped out in various positions this week. I have to say as exhausted as I am (trying to keep a bunch of 7 yr old little girls quiet and still when they are bursting at the seams for their turn is beyond exhausting) it has been a lot of fun. I have enjoyed seeing what goes into doing a production like this as well I've enjoyed being with the girls.

However, something struck me this morning as I was praying for today and thinking about the last few days. The thing that has stood out the most for me is how kind and loving everyone is. As you can imagine the staff of the studio have their hands full with so much to do. But they have all been so kind to each other, to the girls and all the crazy (me) parents. Just like in my previous post about how Stephanie stopped to talk to Emma even though she was so busy. The atmosphere as crazy and electrified with excitement as it is... has also been calming and loving.

I know that most of this is because of them and their love and passion for each other and their dancers. But how much of it is also me? I say that because I think part of it is my attitude. I don't feel the need to be validated by them. I am not trying to been seen. I am not trying to feel validated because of what I do.

My value comes from Christ...alone.

And because I know that I am valuable, worth it and seen by him....so I don't need to get wrapped up in trying to be validated by them. Which gives me such freedom to just help. Just be there when I need to be there. Help in whatever way I can.

Because I am needed.... whether it's to touch up little girls makeup, to pray with my daughter because she misses her daddy or to fight the battle that I am called to fight.

I know I am needed, wanted and valuable....because of Him.

Do you see me?

Emma will be performing in the Nutcracker for the first time. She is full of excitement and nerves as you can imagine. Last night as we were standing it the hall of the theatre after a rehearsal, one of the owners of the dance studio where she takes dance stopped and talked to Emma. She asked her if she was excited and had a brief converstaion with her. I was impressed since Stephanie had been in the theater all night directing so it wasn't like she had a lot of time to stand around and chat.

Anyway, Emma has talked about that experience a few times since then. She told me that she felt special that Stephanie would stop and talk to her even though she doesn't know Emma. She felt worth it.

I've been thinking about that all day. Emma's deepest question is "do you see me? am I worth it?" Stephanie stopping and talking to Emma answered her question in that moment. At that moment, she felt worth it to someone, but not just anyone. This was someone who she viewed as special. After all Stephanie in her eyes is the ultimate ballerina, she owns a dance studio.

How often does that question go answered for us women? Too often? All the time? Has it ever been answered?

It's a question that I still struggle with at times... am I worth it? Why would they want to be my friend? Do they see me?

Here I am at 35 and still asking it. That question never goes away. Otherwise why would women spend billions of dollars a year on anti-aging products, makeup, clothing, hair, etc?

It's also asked at such an early age.... Emma is only 9 yet she's been asking it for many years already. It's the way the asks questions, it's how she tells every stranger we meet about how she's in the Nutcracker, it's why she cares about what she looks like.

But what if that question was never answered last night? What if it was never answered ever? What if the question is answered in a different way?

What if that question was answered only so that that boy got what he wanted? So that the question then never really gets answered since it was an empty answer?

So then how can the question be fully answered in a way that is fulfilling?

There is only one way... and that is by turning to Him. Asking Jesus if he sees me. Does he care? If so I desperately need him to show me...

The amazing thing is that he always does...

So go ahead... ask him....

Love from God

As we ventured out for a night of trick-or-treating, I was prompted to look up.

This is why....

It was a little love just for me from God. Just a little reminder of how much he loves me.

Colorado

I had the amazing opportunity to attend the Captivating Advanced Retreat in Colorado last month. I'm just now posting some pictures since I to process! Then our internet was down.

Colorado is amazing of course. The beauty there is breathtaking...

Here is a picture walking into the camp from the parking lot.

A beautiful sunrise on Friday morning. 

The afternoon sun over the valley and our camp. 

This is breathtaking. It looks like a postcard picture!

God's beauty in the details and his humor...

When I went to Captivating the last time, God's beauty was everywhere in the form of flowers. This time it was a little more difficult to find them. I think part of that was because we were at a high altitude as well as it was Octoberish when I went. I also had to look for his beauty in other ways...

And here is a bit of some humor! :-)

Blogging for Books

I recently read "You Were Born For This" by Bruce Wilkinson. It was a light yet good book about how God uses us to deliver his miracles. We tend to put God in a box which then squashes the things he can do through us.

The book is written in an easy to read, story style. I enjoyed reading about the ways God did some amazing miracles through the author and others. It reminded me to be open to what God wants to do through all of us if we let him.

I liked the practical ways the author gives to help others with where to start with being a miracle deliverer. They are easy yet such great reminders for those who are already doing it.

You can find it at Amazon.